


I'm good to go

by liionne



Series: A thousand ways to meet [19]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Cancer, M/M, Potential Triggers, Terminal Illnesses, mentioned smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liionne/pseuds/liionne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now Is Good AU</p>
<p>
  <i>"We're afraid it's terminal, Jim. We're not exactly sure how long you have left, but we know it's not long."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm good to go

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so as you can imagine from any fic where the main character is terminally ill, there'll be some triggers involved.
> 
> Also, this is based off the movie Now Is Good (I haven't had the opportunity to read the book yet, however). The title comes from the song Bruised by Jack's Mannequin.
> 
> I've never really known anyone who's died of/suffered from cancer, and so I tried really hard to do my research and use what I knew from the film to make it accurate, but I'm sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Virtually unbeta'd, I apologise for any mistakes.

"We're afraid it's terminal, Jim. We're not exactly sure how long you have left, but we know it's not long."

The doctor gave him a long look, but Jim didn't care. He'd resigned himself to the ground the moment he'd found out about the leukemia. He'd only been ten at the time; he was getting sick way too often, he was tired, he was weak. He was a good couple of stone underweight.

His mother thought he was dying. She was right at the time, but then Jim had proved her wrong. He was a fighter, after all.

And now he really was dying. Shame his mother hadn't been right the first time; he had gotten quite attached to life in the seven extra years he'd managed to achieve.

Jim's mother was crying, but he didn't comfort her. She should be comforting him, really, but he wouldn't pull her on it this time.

"You should do everything you want to within the next few months." The doctor concluded.

Jim nodded. Carol had been promising to help him write a bucket list anyway.

They left the hospital, and his mother began babbling about trips to Disney World and the Make A Wish foundation. Jim told her not to bother, and he pointedly ignored the disgruntled look she gave him.

~*~

"You going out?" His mother smiled, bustling into the living room and shifting him along the sofa. She had a habit of acting as if nothing was wrong, even when Jim was so tired he wasn't sure he could move; which he might not have been today, but he wasn't adverse to pretending.

"Yeah." He answered simply.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

Jim wondered why she pretended to be so breezy when she was obviously worried sick.. "Out."

She give him that tight-lipped look, and nodded. "Alright."

He went out the back door, but she was so busy worrying that she didn't even wonder why he was climbing into next door's garden.

~*~

The Kirks hadn't had a neighbour since 2004. So since he'd found out about his illness, Jim'd been clambering over and treating the place as his own. He had a little bit of a gap in his use of it in between, but he was back again, sat on th tiny stone wall at the end of the garden in front of his make-shift fire in a plant pot. Well, he had to do something with those chemotherapy pamphlets.

"Hey."

He was startled by the voice, but he didn't show it. He turned his head only slightly. "Hey."

He looked back to the fire.

"What d'you think you're doing?"

Jim didn't answer. This was his garden after all.

"An answer might be nice."

God, he was persistent. Jim heaved a sigh, and turned around. "I'm burning things." He responded.

"Well I can see that." The guy, whoever he was, responded.

_He's cute_ , Jim noted.

"But why?" he continued.

Jim shrugged. "It's better than just throwing stuff away. And anyway, I'm freezing."

"So get out of my garden and go home." The Guy responded.

Jim frowned. "Who said it was your garden."

"Alright," The Guy allowed. "Get out of my _mom's_ garden and go home. S'her name on the lease."

Jim looked back at the house behind him; he never paid much attention to the house, he wasn't a squatter. But he noticed now how it was much more decorated, and there were curtains up at the window.

"You're the new neighbour?" he asked.

The Guy nodded. "McCoy, Leonard McCoy."

He stretched a hand out to Jim, and he gladly took it. His skin wasn't exactly soft, but it wasn't a bad feeling. Maybe, just maybe, Jim had found the person to help him complete number 1) on his bucket list.

Lose his virginity.

But of course, that was a long way off yet. So he shook his hand, and answered, "Jim Kirk."

Leonard gave nodded, retracting his hand. He was still a little pissed about the garden, evidently.

"So how long you been using my garden as a bonfire?" He asked.

"Your mom's garden." Jim corrected.

Something like a smirk played on Leonard's lips. "My mom's garden."

He raised his eyebrows, and Jim sighed. He was obiously waiting for an answer.

"About 6 years. Ish." Jim shrugged.

Leonard gave a nod. "Well it sounds like a bit of a habit. So, I guess, you can keep using it."

Jim grinned.

"On one condition." Leonard continued.

Jim's grin faded.

"You only use it when I'm out here too."

Jim's eyes narrowed. "What if I want to use it and you're not here?" He asked.

"Here's a thought," Leonard mused, sarcasm dripping through his words. Jim liked it. "Use the front door."

"Ah, just invite myself in?" Jim asked, returning to sarcasm with as much force as he could.

" _Knock_." He returned, rolling his eyes. "Wouldn't kill ya."

Jim grinned. He discretely shoved his last pamphlet on the fire, and watched it burn. Leonard rolled his eyes, having caught him of course, but he didn't say anything.

"Well I'm heading inside." He said. "So I guess you better get movin'."

Jim mock-pouted, but he stood. He had never been self conscious before; he knew he was thinner than he should be, and that he was covered in bruises and the rings under his eyes looked like he'd either been awake for a full week straight or been punched repeatedly, but that didn't matter.

It mattered now, though, when he caught Leonard's eyes sweeping over his body.

"I'll be going, then." Jim murmured. Leonard gave a nod, but he didn't say anything.

He turned to go, sighing softly to himself. Well that was that then. Maybe if he got Leonard drunk he could get him to pop his cherry.

Jim hadn't even took one step before he blacked out.

~*~

"Hey, y'alright?"

Jim was met with the beatufiul sight of Leonard's hazel eyes trained on, filled with worry. Jim's eyes scanned his face: the few locks of hair that had fell into his eyes, his tan skin, and his full lips.

For a second, he thought about leaning up to kiss him. Carol'd be proud of him getting his plan in motion.

But he felt tired, so tired that he couldn't actually move.

So instead, he gave a weak smile. "Hey."

"Is blacking out something you do often?" Leonard asked.

"Mm." Jim nodded.

Leonard sighed, running a hand through his hair. Jim wanted to mirror the movement, but he didn't dare.

When he looked around himself, Jim noticed the powder blue walls and the soft white fabric of the couch, so much different to the crummy brown leather of the couch sat in his beige living room. It led him to wonder where exactly he was.

"Where am I?" He asked.

"My living room." Leonard answered. "I would've taken yo home, but I didn't know which side you lived on."

Jim just smiled. He didn't mind being here. Not at all.

"Len? Is your friend alright?" The soft, and slightly croaky, but reeking of Southern like Leonard's, voice came from somewhere out of Jim's line of sight.

Leonard looked up and away from him. "He's fine, Ma."

"Maybe you should take him home, then." His mother murmured. "But tell his momma what happened."

"I will."

Jim shook his head. No he wouldn't. His mom would only worry even more than usual.

"I'm fine, really." Jim said, sitting up. His head spun, and his arms shot out to grab something for support. What they found were Leonard's hands, strong and sturdy, keeping him upright. He clung to him for dear life, even when his visioned steadied.

"Y'alright?" Leonard asked.

Jim gave him a reassuring smile. "Yeah. Let's go."

With a hand securely around his waist to hold him up, Leonard took Jim up to his front door. "Get some rest, and maybe try to get something to eat." Leonard instructed.

"You're a regular old sawbones, aren't you?" Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Damn straight." He agreed. "Now get on inside."

Jim grinned. "See you later, Bones."

He disappeared inside without another word.

~*~

Jim used the garden as often as he damn well felt like it.

Which, as it turned out, was often.

His mother was insufferable. Constantly crowding his space and telling him to get outside or go here with or do this with her or _something_. Jim found that Leonard's back garden (and company) were a lot better than being inside with her.

"She's a nightmare," Jim told him, as they sat around the small fire they had constructed in the plant pot. "I mean I know she's scared, but hell, even _Sam_ handles it better than she does."

"Handles what?" Bones asked.

Sometimes, with the way Jim and Bones acted as if they'd known each other their whole lives, it was easy for Jim to forget that he hadn't told Bones about the leukemia.

"Nothing." Jim sighed. "She's just really get on my nerves."

Bones looked confused, but Jim decided to ignore it. There were a variety of reasons for his not telling Leonard - the most important, however, where that he was tired of being treated like he was made of glass and dancing at a cliff edge. He didn't want to be wrapped up in cotton wool; he was seventeen, almost eighteen, a big boy now. And he didn't want Leonard to see him differently just because he was ill - he was crushing on him so hard, but he didn't want Leonard to like him just to make his last few months on this planet better. He wanted Bones to like him for him. And of course, when Jim was with Bones, one of the only people in his life not to know what was going on, it was easy to forget that he was actually dying.

"Try talking to her." Bones suggested. "Might make things a little better."

Jim shook his head. "That'll only make things worse."

Bones bumped their shoulders together, and Jim looked up from the concrete on the ground to those warm hazel eyes. "Well quit your whining, if you're not gonna do anything about it."

He was only joking of course; Jim had learned to catch the smile in the tiny upward curve of his lips.

"Isn't that what you're here for?" Jim grinned a little.

Bones shrugged. "That, and feeding your pyromania."

Jim laughed, and when Bones joined in, Jim almost felt normal again.

All until he looked down at his watch. He had a hospital appointment in half an hour, and his mother wouldn't let him be late.

"I've got to go." He mumbled, standing and brushing the dirt off the ass of his jeans.

Bones nodded. "Alright."

Jim was half way through the hedge back into his garden when Bones stopped him.

"How about we go out tonight?" He asked. "See a movie, maybe?"

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Like a date?"

"...Yeah." Bones nodded, a small lop-sided smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Like a date."

Jim was grinning. "Sure."

"I'll pick you up at seven." Bones nodded.

Jim couldn't ignore the way the butterflies battered at the inside of his stomach as he pushed through the hedge back home.

~*~

His shirt had been lovely - a pale blue colour, one he thought Bones would like considering the colour of his house, all smooth and smart. Carol had winked at him and told him to have fun.

But as he watched the blood trickle from his nose and splash onto his shirt, staining his chest dark red, he didn't feel like he was having fun.

He pinched his nose, but the blood was coming hard and fast. He grabbed a small hand-towel, but it was soaked through in minutes.

"Mom!" He called.

He'd forgotten that his Mom had taken Sam out for the night, leaving him with Frank.

"Shit." Jim muttered under his breath. "Shit shit shit."

Blood was everywhere. On the sink, on the floor, on the walls. Jim was coated in it.

"Frank!" Jim called. He really didn't want that bastard's help, but he had no choice. It was Frank or bleed out, and Frank was seemingly the lesser of two evils.

The doorbell rang, and Jim hissed under his breath.

"Jim what the- _fuck_." Frank spat. "I'll call an ambulance!"

Asshole he might've been, but at least he knew what to do in an emergency.

The doorbell rang again.

"Don't let him in!" Jim shouted, as he collapsed against the side of the bath tub, blood pouring from his nose.

"Ambulance is on its way," Frank returned. "Who the fuck is that at the door-"

"Don't answer it!" Jim cried. "Don't let him see me like this-"

"Jim, I still have your-"

Carol cut herself off in the doorway.

"Phone." She said quietly.

Leonard looked over her shoulder, horrified.

"I brought Leonard in with me." She finished.

Jim's vision was blurry; he was losing a lot of blood. "Go-" he muttered, trying to push Bones away despite the distance between them. "Go you can't see me- can't see-"

He was close to smashing his head off the floor, and Frank wasn't about to do anything, obviously. Bones pushed through, despite Frank's protestations.

"I'm a damn med student, let me through." Bones snapped. "Jim? Jim. Look at me Jimmy, c'mon."

Jim did his best to meet this warm brown eyes, but he couldn't find them. He could hear sirens, and then paramedics bustling into the room. He was sure he was being cradled in someone's arms, but he wasn't sure about any of that either. He was only aware of the cold night air hitting his skin and the blood smeared across the white shirt Leonard had been wearing as the ambulance pulled away.

~*~

"I don't want to talk about it, mom."

"They said you were getting better, I don't-"

"No mom," Jim snapped. "They said I was getting worse, remember? That I was _dying_?"

The back of a taxi cab was no place be having this conversation, but Winona had brought it up. Driving home from the hospital was stressful; she'd all but popped a vessel when she saw Jim in that bed, covered in his own blood, unconcious. She'd kicked Frank out, thank god. She hadn't known about the date, so she didn't mention it, but Jim couldn't stop thinking about it.

Bones was going to hate him now. Or if not hate him (for lying to him, neglecting to tell him, or _something_ ) then treat him like a china doll. Maybe that was worse.

When he got out the car, Bones was waiting for him.

Winona looked at each boy, and then shook her head. "Jim, inside."

"Mom, I need to talk to him." Jim said softly.

"Mrs. Kirk," Leonard greeted. It was the first time they'd officially met. "I really need to talk to your son."

Winona gave a tight-lipped look, but she nodded.

"Alright. Five minutes."

She stepped inside, and left them stood on the front street.

"So you've got leukemia." Bones began, after a moment's silence. He made it sound so nonchalant.

"How do you know?" Jim asked.

Bones shrugged. "My dad was a doctor and I witnessed you having the biggest nose bleed I've ever seen in my eighteen years of living."

"Oh." Jim murmured.

"And your mom told my mom." Leonard added.

"That bitch." Jim hissed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bones asked.

Jim looked down. "I didn't want you treating me like a kid. I wanted you to... to like me for me. Not because I won't be here in a few months."

"Is thathow long you've got left?" Bones asked quitely.

Jim nodded.

Bones looked down, and blinked a few times. "Damn."

"I know." Jim murmured.

Silence fell between the two of them, and Bones ran a hand through his hair. "It doesn't change things, Jim." He said.

Jim raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Doesn't it?"

"No." Bones said. "It just means we'll have to go a bit faster. I really like you, Jim. Three weeks in my back garden with you was better than three years with my ex-girl friend."

Jim looked a little hopeful; maybe number one of his bucket list would be easy to achieve. "Really?"

"Really." Bones nodded. He looked back at his house, and then at Jim. "We didn't get to have our date. If you still want to go out I can think of somewhere we can go."

"I'd love to." Jim nodded.

Leonard grabbed his hand, pulling him toward his garage. "Think you can steal a few extra minutes?"

Jim grinned. "Most definitely."

~*~

With his arms around Bones' waist and the wind through his hair, Jim felt more alive than he ever had in those four years of remission.

The old and forgotten fields of the Pike farm a few miles out of the village were the perfect arena for the pair on the old bike that had once belonged to Bones' father. The tore through the fields, over hills and around clusters of trees, with Jim holding on for dear life to Leonard's hips.

"Havin' fun?" Leonard hollered over his shoulder.

"More than you know." Jim called back, his lips close to Leonard's ear.

Leonard dropped him off in front of his house. He pressed a slow, deep kiss to his lips; Jim was sure he couldn't have felt any more alive than he had when they'd raced through the fields, but he had totally been wrong. He wanted to stay like that forever, but Leonard pulled away all too soon.

"Too soon?" He asked, as he pulled away.

Jim shook his head. "Just right."

Leonard grinned; it almost made Jim swoon. "See you tomorrow." he said.

Jim was in for a right bollocking when he got in, but he really couldn't have cared less.

~*~

"We've worked out, at your current rate, that you have about a month to live."

Winona started sobbing; Jim felt like sobbing too, but he didn't. He suddenly felt very small; like he was trapped in a corner of his mind, just watching as his body failed him. Failed his family. His friends.

"We'll be sending a hospice nurse around every so often to check up on you. She'll talk to you about a few things, too." The doctor told him.

Winona was still sobbing. Jim sighed softly.

"Thank you, anyway." He said; he stood, and pulled his mom with him.

"C'mon mom." He prompted. She nodded, wiping her eyes and leaving the small doctor's room. They got a cab home from the hospital in silence. Thankfully, Winona managed to keep from crying until she got home again, where she burst into a fit. Jim sat in his bedroom, perched on the edge of his bed, listening to her sobbing and the TV downstairs.

"Jim?"

Bones clambered through the window, which had become a habit in the weeks since their first kiss. He paused halfway, though, when Jim didn't respond.

"Everything okay?"

Jim gave a soft hiccup and a broken sob, and was then enveloped in Leonard's arms.

"A month, Bones," he wailed against his skin. "A month, one, one month, and I haven't even finished the list yet-"

Bones didn't know about the bucket list that Jim had only one thing left to complete, but he soothed him with kind words and a gentle rocking anyway.

"It's gonna be okay, Jim, it'll be okay." He murmured into his hair, pressing kisses into his scalp.

"Stay here tonight?" Jim asked weakly.

Bones nodded. "Sure, Jim. Sure. Of course."

Jim was angry at himself for falling apart so completely, but unbelievably glad that Leonard was there to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. He fell asleep with his face pressed into Leonard's shoulder, still sniffling softly as he fell asleep.

~*~

Leonard staying the night became a regular occurance. As did the hospice nurse that came to send him back to his own home of a morning so that she could run a few tests on Jim and see how he was getting on.

"What'll it be like? At the end?" Jim asked.

Both Bones and Winona were still in the room, but neither looked at each other. They both looked at Jim, and then at the nurse; they didn't like to admit that they'd been wondering too.

"Well your body will begin to shut down," She explained. "But that's not as scary as it sounds. You'll get very tired, and very weak. It'll get worse the closer you get. And then one day, you simply won't wake up. It'll be very peaceful."

Winona looked away when Jim looked in her direction, but Bones didn't. He met his gaze, utnil it was Jim who had to look away.

"Thanks, Chapel." He murmured.

He went to bed wondering if he really felt tired or if it was all in his head.

"Jim," Bones murmured. "What's your list?"

Jim blinked, turning on his side to look at him. He still hadn't gotten his own way yet, but with three weeks to live he knew he was going to have to speed things along a little.

"My bucket list." Jim answered.

"It's not finished." Bones stated.

"No." Jim shook his head. He pressed himself against Leonard's body, taking in the warmth he radiated.

"What's left to do?" Bones asked.

Jim was really surprised at how well the opportunity had presented itself, yet he still had trouble wording himself. He was so worried that Bones wouldn't want to, that he'd be too afraid of hurting him, or that he'd be taking advantage.

So instead of telling him, he showed him.

He pulled his shirt over his head, and peppered the tan, toned skin of his chest and stomach, fingers roaming until they found the waistband of his boxers.

"Jim." Leonard murmured.

Jim looked up, wide blue eyes catching his worried gaze.

"You sure?" He asked.

Jim nodded.

Leonard leaned down to press the sweetest, slowest kiss to his lips, and then he pulled away, nodding for Jim to continue.

And that was most certainly the best night of Jim's existence.

~*~

Jim woke up still feeling warm and fuzzy. He went to scratch an itch on his stomach and found the mess they'd left the night before. His thoughts immediately turned to Bones moving inside of him, pistoning in and out as if they had all the time in the world.

He heard Bones snuffle, and he smiled softly. "Bones?" He asked.

Bones looked up, dark hair sticking up in various places. "Huh?"

"I love you." Jim murmured.

Bones gave a soft smile. "I love you too."

~*~

It was a Wednesday when Jim woke up and felt too tired to move.

Bones curled up against his side, and couldn't hide the tremble in his hands as he pressed kisses into his shoulder.

"How do you feel?" He asked, voice shakey.

"Tired." Jim yawned.

Bones audibly swallowed. He pressed a kiss to Jim's lips. "I love you."

"Love you too." Jim murmured, falling back to sleep.

~*~

"Jim?" His mother's soft voice worked its way into his dreams, filling the darkness with a rich, red light.

"Jim, I'm so sorry baby." She grabbed his hand, rubbing soothing circles into it. "I'm sorry for worrying and not for enjoying the time I had with you. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

"I love you mom." Jim murmured, lips barely moving.

Feeling his mother's lips against his forehead was enough to send him back to sleep.

~*~

The nurse stood at the end of the bed, and confirmed the worst.

"He might not see the end of the day." She said. "But he's still with us. He'll be able to hear, and feel. I think it might be best to stay with him."

They all nodded, and Chapel left the room. Winona grabbed her wrist on the way out. "Thank you."

She just nodded, and she let herself out.

"I can leave, if you want." Leonard murmured.

Winona shook her head; Sam copied her.

"You're part of the family now." Winona said. "He'd want you here."

Leonard nodded. He was sat on the bed next to Jim, his hand curled in his, fingers constantly feeling for his pulse. Winona and Sam sat by the bedside, clutching at his other hand.

"Jim, you're a little shit." Sam said, after a long silence. "You were always tougher than me, and I really hated you for it. But I appreciate that now. Your strength. And I'm sorry for being an ass to you."

"You may not remember it, sweetie, but I'm sorry for not being around too much when you were little. I loved you, I loved you so much, but you were so much like your father- I'm sorry if I've been overbearing. It's only because I love you. So much."

Jim didn't move, nor did he respond. But he heard, and hearing was enough.

Leonard couldn't say his goodbyes as openly as Jim's family had. He tried to keep his voice even, because Jim wouldn't want tears over him, as he leaned forward to whisper to him.

"Y'know, Jim, my daddy died of cancer. Never told you that. But he was a lot like you. He didn't want to be treat like a china doll. He was still alive, and he wanted to be treated that way. That's why we moved here. We moved out here 'cause Ma couldn't bear to be in that house anymore. Dad said that good things come to those who wait, and you did. You came to me. And you're the best damn thing I've ever had. I'll never forget you."

He pressed a gentle kiss to Jim's lips, and returned to his previous position.

Qualified doctor he wasn't, but even Bones knew when the shallow rise and fall of Jim's chest fell.

But Jim, Jim didn't mind. He couldn't hear the sobs and the wails that errupted from around him. He was happy; happy in the knowledge that he was loved, and would be remembered. Not even death could stop him this time.


End file.
